Thank you friends

Rachel here. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support.

I just still can’t believe this is happening. It’s so horrible and so surreal at the same time. The docs said that at least liver failure is a peaceful way to go, you just get more and more dreamy and sleepy. Still, I’m honestly terrified of what will happen next.

I was not prepared for the cognitive decline caused by the liver (hepatic encephalopathy). And in his moments of clarity, he still says he wants to fight! So what do you do?

I still pray for a miracle. I still believe God could work one. But He’s not.

I honestly can’t do anymore of this getting my hopes up though. It’s just too hard on my heart.

Docs said it could be a matter of days or a couple of weeks. I’m praying so hard now it goes quickly and please Lord, don’t let him die on Christmas or Evie’s birthday (1/1). I don’t know, I just don’t know.

So normally I would conclude this post with something encouraging about how we are still trusting and leaning on Him. But honestly, I’m just constantly telling my brain to stop thinking about it when I’m trying to think and rest. It’s happening. Whether I think about it or not. And that’s already more than I can handle. God? Is there still a miracle coming? You’re breaking my heart here.

38 thoughts on “Thank you friends

  1. So so sorry, I know your pain…..i only have tears for you …..but God will be with you and carrying you even if you don’t feel HIM….trust HIM, especially when it hurts… Just pray

  2. Oh Rachel, I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now. I cannot tell you how my heart just breaks for you! You are the strongest person Know of. I can’t fathom why you, Kevin and your have to suffer so much. Will continue to pray for a miracle but if that is not in the plan then a quick, painless end of suffering for all. Jane Vogel, Justin Vogel’s mom

  3. I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks. Your Dad is sobbing in the bedroom. Acceptance is a very hard nut to chew. But whatever his next step is, I do trust the Lord to show Kevin the way, with love and gentelness. I wish with all my heart that I could give you peace.

  4. I wish there was something, anything to say that would bring comfort, peace, whatever. I can’t think of anything that would come even close. But please know your life, Kevin’s life are touching others. We are reading your every word. Hoping for a miracle. Crying out to God. Our hearts are breaking with you and for you. Tears flow for you. I pray that you will tangibly feel Jesus wrap his arms around you and carry you through the following minutes, hours, days and weeks.

  5. I’m glad I got to see you and Kevin while in Calif. What a terrific person you are and your children are very special. I feel the Lord is preparing your son for you to lean on someday. As for Kevin if the end is near then I pray Lord take him quickly so he needed suffer anymore. At least Rachael you will know when it happens the Lord his wrapping his arms around him and saying welcome home my son.

  6. So sorry for this unimaginable place you find yourselves. Sending prayers throughout each day that God will come in His mercy and grace.

  7. Our hearts are breaking with you. For you, for Kevin, your kids, your parents, your families, and all those who love you.
    It’s okay to be honest with God. Most of the book of Job is Job being honest with God. Job had lost hope; he told this to God; God could take it.
    What a testament to Kevin’s love and character that he wants to keep fighting. Because he wants to keep fighting for you, for Jude, for Evie. But if you feel it would be right, you can tell Kevin that it’s okay to let go if he needs to.
    Sometimes we feel like we can’t hang on to God anymore; I’ve been there. But you know what? He still hangs on to us.

  8. Do not ever lose FAITH!!!!! Faith is the key to it all!!!! God will perform a miracle if it is His will!!!! There are so many things as humans that we do not understand. Take for example your situation….you look around and see where God has performed a miracle in another person’s life and yet you wonder why He hasn’t performed a miracle in your life. God has His purpose…so don’t ever loose faith. We may never know while we are on this earth the reason you guys are having to endure this horrid hardship. However, the one thing I do know is that Heaven will be worth it ALL!!! God is a loving and caring God and He is so amazing!!!! We’ve been praying for you guys for a while now and will continue to do so…Faith, Hope, and Love….

  9. Acts 17:25-28 …he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else…and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being. Kevin lives at this time in history for a very specific, God-ordained purpose. His life has touched so many lives for good. May this be a comfort to you, Rachel.

  10. Here is a Jewish prayer I found for people who are gravely ill and facing the possibility of death. I found it to be moving, so I thought I would share:

    I acknowledge before the source of all that life and death are not in my hands. Just as I did not choose to be born, so I do not choose to die. May it come to pass that I may be healed, but if death is my fate, then I accept it with dignity and the loving calm of one who knows the ways of all things.

    May my death be honorable and my life be a healing memory for those who know me. May my loved ones think well of me and my memory bring them joy. From all I may have hurt, I ask forgiveness, upon all who have hurt me, I bestow forgiveness. As a wave returns to the ocean, so I return to the source from which I came.

    Shema, Israel, Adonai Elohainu, Adonai Echad – Hear, oh Israel, that which we call God is oneness itself. Blessed is the way of God, the way of life and death, of coming and going, of meeting and loving, now and forever. As I am blessed with the one, so now I am blessed with the other. Shalom, Shalom, Shalom.

  11. God bless all of you. Your family is so beautiful, all I can wish is that your time together now is peaceful. You all are in our prayers.

  12. Rachel, my dad went with liver failure. It was peaceful. I don’t know if God has another miracle in store, or if the miracle will be a peaceful and easy passage into His Kingdom. But God and your friends are with you each step of the way. All four of you are loved and held in His hands. May He grand you, Kevin, and those who love you, as well as those who have followed this journey courage, love, and comfort. You and Kevin have touched more lives than you will ever know. God bless you.

  13. My dear sweet Rachel,
    Please know that my heart is breaking for you and your family. At the same time, I know that God has you in his arms right now and will never let you go. Katie bad I are so glad that we were able to reconnect with you and Kevin last summer. We both are here for you and so so wish we were there physically to help you and support you. Know that when that time cones, we will hop on a plane and be therefor you, Jude and Evie. Lots of love and prayers are with you from Va.! Not just those of us who know you and live you, but my students at school and my entire church family gave been closely watching and are amazed at your story.

  14. My heart is breaking for you guys. I don’t know you, but I have been following your story and praying for you guys. I’m so sorry you are going through this, my sister is going through something similar with her baby girl.

    God can still do a miracle, don’t give up hope. I have to put this out there just in case you haven’t heard of it yet, but have you ever heard of the Microbiotic Diet? Many people have overcome cancer with this diet. It’s a very specific organic diet that must be followed exactly, but it’s helped people in the past. I’m not sure if Kevin is still eating or able to eat, but if you’ve exhausted all other options, you might give it a try. Praying for you guys!

  15. We continue to pray for your strength in body and spirit. Kevin has fought long and hard and has displayed a level of unconditional love that I haven’t seen in anyone!!! Keep those thoughts of Kevin’s love for you in your heart, and lean on it for strength. Jude and Evie already feel it and will hold it in their hearts through you. We love you all and miss you!

  16. Crying tears and saying prayers for you, sweet Rachel and Hill family. I cannot begin to fathom the constant roller coaster you have been on all this time. It still baffles me. We know God can work but not knowing if He will choose to do so in a certain way in the midst of such pain is heartbreaking. I pray for peace and love, whatever comes, and that you would continue to know you are embraced by family, friends and God, even when you are so tired and feel like giving up. XOXO

  17. Rachel, sometimes it’s sooo hard to let go, to give them permission to go to Jesus, but they need to know, we understand
    Soon, Kevin will be completely restored to full health, and you will struggle, but that may be the miracle He grants. You have an entire community behind you, we love you Ravhel. We love Kevin, Jesus loves him more

  18. Rachel, our hearts are utterly broken. I’m not even sure what to pray because its just too hard and terrible, but I am crying out to Jesus for you, for your children, for Kevin. You have our love and our prayers and our thoughts. We stand with you from afar.

  19. I cannot add anything to what has already been so well-said by all of these wonderful people who love you and are encouraging you. but I would like to add myself to the list of all the many, many people praying for and mourning with all of you. I am so thankful for a God who promises to be with us in the valley of the shadow of death—praying that you, Kevin, Jude, Evie and all of your extended family can lean on that promise.

  20. Rachel,

    My heart continues to ache for your family. You have shown such amazing strength in this ordeal and Kevin is particularly blessed to have such an amazing woman that has kept doctors from coast to coast on the toes to do everything medically possible to attempt to put this melanoma in remission. Don’t be hard on yourself, angry or defeated. Your entire family has shown the world what family truly means in times of sickness and in health.

  21. It is the hardest road to walk. My parents both died lsst year. My dad also had liver failure. Once I told him it was ok to leave…. that I released him and it was ok for him to join my mom with Jesus… he just left. If you haven’t given him permission to leave you and your children.. you may want to consider that. My heart breaks for you. I too pray those two days are not his day set from before the world was formed to join his Savior in heaven. We all love you even though we have never met you.

  22. Rachel, I sat in my classroom full of students on Wednesday and read a bit about you. I wasn’t feeling well that day and started to cry. My students thought it was because of my being sick, but really, it was because of how my heart aches for you. We pray for a miracle, but on the other hand, I find myself a bit jealous, because if Jesus calls Kevin home, then Kevin will experience something that I am jealous for……experiencing Jesus and being in His presence. As one other person stated, we may love Kevin, but Jesus loves him, as well as you, more! We love you!

  23. Trusting that in the moments of clarity you are able to offer sweet words to one another. I admire your love and commitment. Holding you in my prayers, trusting the Divine.

  24. Sweet, sweet Rachel, Please remember that this will not be “Good Bye” it is “See you later”. By God’s grace Kevin will be whole again, and he will have no more pain. What a legacy you and Kevin are living for your children. To trust God in the darkest of circumstances. God knows the pain you are feeling, He gave his Son, knowing that He too had to pass through the gates of death, but to a greater reward and peace. He will be with you, even if you don’t feel like it. Hang on even tighter to His promises, love and grace. You, Kevin and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

  25. God hears you. He loves you and I have faith that your prayers and all the others lifted in your behalf will be answered. Sending our love.

  26. My eyes are so full of tears I cannot seem to find the words. We pray for you, Kevin and Jude and Evie every single day and night. Please know that our love and prayers are with you…
    We are still praying for a miracle and His comfort. Please let us know if we can do anything to help. Blessings and honor to you all!
    Love,
    Ed, Christine, Aaronn, Andrew, Jay and Taylor

  27. Rachel, you don’t know me – I’m a friend of a friend. I lost my dad to liver failure on my birthday four and a half years ago. Was blessed to spend a week with him at the very end (he was in LA; I lived in KC) when in his sharp moments we read from the Bible and shared life stories. Regarding the timing of his passing I know God has now blessed us with a shared birthday: mine on earth and my dad’s in Heaven. Our prayers to you and your family.

  28. Sometimes the best healing is to know that you have done the best you could humanly due no matter what the outcome is.

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