This is not so much an “update” post, and I know I’m sorely behind on that. But instead of not writing until I found the time to be complete, I just wanted to share with you some lessons God is teaching me this morning.
I don’t know if any of you have heard of that saying, “Average waves in unprotected waters.” It’s the title of a short story I read in middle school and it’s always stuck with me. It’s the idea that when big tragedies happen, people make it through because everyone rallies around them and helps keep them strong. Like in storms, we always “batten down the hatches” etc. But average waves in unprotected waters are the ones that always seem to knock us down, and even sweep us under. I am feeling like that today.
In relative terms, we’re not really in “crisis” mode at the moment. But I’m just worn out. I got a parking ticket yesterday while I was IN my car, waiting to pick Kevin up from work. I cried and begged the attendant not to give me the ticket, and she was just so exceptionally rude to me. The ticket was only for $35, but it was more the emotional burden of just one. more. thing to have to deal with. I’m exhausted and finding myself needing to try to pull back and do less and rest more. But as I’m sure you all know, that is nigh onto impossible with a two year old and a three year old. Add all our other junk on top and it’s just too much.
I sobbed the whole drive home, and in that moment I decided I was just going to quit. I wanted to give up and bail on everything. When we got home, Kevin handled the kids for bedtime and I went straight upstairs without saying anything and crawled into bed and cried some more. It’s funny, you decide in your head you’re just going to quit, but like some bad joke in a movie, once you’re done being all dramatic, you pick up your head and realize that you’re still right where you left yourself before pitching a fit. I wonder if that’s how toddlers feel. It’s like, “hmmm. I’m all done crying, and nothing has changed. So, what should I do now?” I mean, short of suicide or something, which is NOT how I was feeling, what does “just quitting” on being a mommy and wife and helping Kevin fight cancer and all that other junk even look like? I mean, how do you actually “give up” anyway?
Random I know. I got calmed down and then came down and joined Kevin and the kids for a few minutes before they went to bed, and then Kevin and I got to have a little quiet time to sit and rest before heading to bed ourselves. He tried to cheer me up telling me that he was feeling really good today and that he hadn’t been nauseous in three days. This is really a good thing, and I found myself so tired and worn out I couldn’t even really be happy about it.
Also, I find myself wanting to instantly jump to the hope that maybe this is a sign he’s turning a corner and the treatment is finally starting to work and maybe he’s going to live, etc. etc. And then a voice inside of me stops those “unreasonable” thoughts and I try not to get my hopes up. Then the other voice inside me says, “No, get your hopes up! Even if they get dashed again, hope is all you’ve got these days!” Hope IS unreasonable! I read on a blog the other day that miracles happen when our believing runs out, yet God’s loving continues on. So that is what I try to remember.
And so it goes. Such is the emotional roller coaster of life. I think it probably is for all of us, even for those who aren’t going through those big crises. It’s those average waves in unprotected waters that so often seem to pull us under. I talked with my neighbor this morning and she reminded me that Satan will inch in and try to get us down in any way he can, even with a parking ticket or a whining child.
This morning I was feeling my anxiety coming on again and the constant whining and needs of the kids was making me feel even more breathless and panicky. I finally decided mommy needed a time-out and locked the kids in the playroom. Now, why didn’t I think of that sooner? With a video-monitor on the room and some distance between me and them, I am starting to catch my breath a little more and to remember a few of the promises God has made us. Namely that He gives us grace for the day. THIS day is the day The Lord has made.
Even if we are worn out and just DONE with trying to keep our heads above water, and there seems to be no way He can hold us up, all we need is just to have our little noses peeking above the flood level. Sometimes that’s all we’ve got. But for the day, that’s all I really need. Thank you again dear friends, and please keep praying for us. It’s these average waves that are really getting me down. Praying grace and strength for us all in this season raising our precious little terrorists. Praying for daily mercies anew and manna to carry us through.
Now, back to those little rugrats…
Love you all,
Long before cancer, Micah 7:7 had been our family’s life verse… “But as for me, I watch and wait in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my savior. My God will hear me.” We watch in hope and look for a miracle, knowing that miracles happen when believing runs out, yet God’s loving continues on. Thank you for your prayers and support.